'Scuse Me While My Team Cashes This Check My Mouth Wrote (aka Smack Talk)

Alright, owners.  Draft, check.  Week one, out the door.  Week two, down and done.  Here we are at week three and I think it is time that we all get a lesson Smack Talk.

For our purposes, I did some research on a variety of Fantasy Football websites, Urban Dictionary, You Tube, and some really, really aggressively written blogs, and think I came up with a language that our SunFun team can use to define these otherwise ominous and intimidating interactions.  Please feel free to add your own flair, especially because da da da daaaa SUNDAYFUNDAY CONTEST!!!!!!!  The Owner with the BEST, Most Creative, Clever, Classic, SMACK Talk line of this Season will have their little zinger embalzoned on a girlie long sleeve tee, along with their team name, maybe even with their choice of color etc.  Keep in mind that I used to be in a sorority, so I actually know how to get things like this made.  All prizes, gifts and winners will be praised at the TBA awards ceremony.  Smack talk must be posted on our Yahoo League Wall [anywhere] or in any of the comments section of this blog. 

Without further ado, let Smack 101 commence:

Smack Talk: Universal language of respect in fantasy football, critical to being a player, playa, and payer hater.  In short, smack can be defined as clever, eloquent and spontaneous one liners, perfectly timed that adds fuel to competition.  There are a few key categories of Smack Talk that pertain to FF, some of which may be easier to start with than others.
 

Self Promotion- pumping yourself, your team, your womanhood, your own bad assness up.  If you were a car, it would be a raised Humvee with tinted windows and you have spinning rims.  There are key moments when you can take advantage of some self promotional spouting:

• pre-draft [eh, maybe next year gals]
• pre- matchup
• pre- playoffs
• pre- championships

Self promotion smack talk should be the most natural, the most biting, and obviously the opportunity and material is already built into the schedule.

Rude, Crude, Obscene- if I have to explain what this would sound like, you should probably not be in our league.  Check out this classic rude, crude smack from some boys who just want to play ball.

Statistics Based Smack: nailing others based on their win/loss records, player statistics, historical fantasy football performances.  Clearly, unless we all begin to pay more attention to the deeper statistics, this may be a stretch goal.
 

Educational and Informative Smack: metaphorical “check up from the neck ups” for those who have continuously had players in their lineup during a bye week.  An even better example is Team SnakeJuice posting on team HGONGA’s Facebook page heckling the co-comissioner for not remembering to start a kicker (even though I thought I had confirmed the changes dammit).

 

Additional Ideas:
- Old school smack talk [Google “The Crusher”]
- Easy Targets: whiners, underperforners, owners who just don’t learn, loud mouths.

So, get it started and remember that Sh*t talk is HILARIOUS, but it is so easy that a plastic can do it [see below].  Be clever, be cutting, and be an owner of a football team.

Elbow, Elbow, Wrist, Wrist; Work the Waivers, Don’t Get Dissed

Though some of us were schooled last year and are moderately familiar with the concept of picking up a player on the “waiver wire”; it is entirely possible that we have allowed our brains to be filled with much more useful terms and conjure an image of an 80’s style hair device.  In a quick recap, when players have recently been dropped by teams, or those who were never drafted onto a fantasy team, they go into waiver status for one (or more) days.  When they are in waiver status, other owners cannot immediately add them, duh, you have to be civilized and place a request via the waiver wire.

 If you look at our league overview, the second column on the left lists each position on the waiver wire.  Currently, Victorious Secrets has first dibs on the waivers right now.   Once she uses her magic ticket, she goes heads to the back of the waiver line until it is her turn again.

 Another scenario would be if Victorious Secrets decides to wait this week, and not blow her waiver load until she is sure.  However, HGONGA (what’s up) has put in a request to take someone off the waivers.  Since HGONGA is 2^nd in line for waivers, and V.S. is not using theirs this week, HGONGA will be taking their pick and then heading to the back of the line.   Thus, you should be strategically using waivers REGARDLESS of your position in the line!

This week’s site to check out is Fantasy Football Toolbox.  Truth be told, FF Toolbox sounds like a characterization of the majority of these brosefs who wear Affliction gear, punch each other in the pecs, and fight over who gets the last dollop of hair gel.  But, this is a really good resources for FF 101, 201 and graduate work that you may be interested in pursuing in the world of fantasy sports.

Tom Brady, Cam Newton might as well be playing Connect Four; Schooled by 5’2” blonde Wolf and cub

Original plan was (and still is) to produce various multimedia recaps for each week.  Week one provided me with a lot of material, particularly because I have Tom Brady, who basically spanked a “case of the Mondays” outta me for good.

However, outside of the excitement of our league starting, the barbaric grunting, wagering, trading, smack talking, and cheering, a very very pregnant Co-Commissioner patiently waited for her game to start.  Without revealing details that are not mine to divulge, or make up details for the sake of embellishment, let’s all take a moment and acknowledge that Week One of Fantasy Football was pretty fun.  But, seriously, these pansies on the field couldn’t handle what women do.  Like such:

·         Let’s say a game lasts for 3 hours (being REALLY generous here).  Anna was in the delivery room for 62 hours.  That is over 20 football games!  To put it in further context, teams play 16 games during the season (17 weeks, 1 bye week).  Anna could have watched every single game in the 2010 Oakland Raiders season and still needed to watch 4 more football games until little Charlie came into the world.   Sidenote, if this strategy were to ever be employed, the increased uptake in immediate epidurals would be staggering.

·         QB’s, arguably the player with the most field time, are active about 50% on the field.  So, 90 minutes per game.   I don’t have to even go into more detail here, do I?  I could also talk about how they sit on benches and drink water and get their limbs stretched by people, but again, that is just too easy.  As you moms know, there is no offense or defense during childbirth.  While Brady sat on the bench and took his helmet off and shook his sweaty head, waiting for the water boy to bring him a beverage, a towel, and news of how hot his wife is…he didn’t have to gestate a child in his womb and worry about getting it out, did he?  Right.

It’s really not even worth it to go down the feminist rabbit hole comparing football and childbirth, and I actually don’t want too.  OK, well, maybe a little.  This is the first of many congratulations to Anna and Matt and a big welcome to Charlie Wolf.  He’s got really big shoes to fill, and I am really interested to see the kind of hybrid athlete-nerd that he grows up to be.  His parents are pretty cool and their family is already bursting with love, can’t wait to watch that kid grow up!

Great job Anna.  You are our MVP and [co] Commissioner, you literally one upped everyone in our league.  That was BAD ASSERY, plain and simple. 

Leche Leaguer – keep us posted =)

And so it begins...

I do love this song, though the lack of hot chicks in this video is a bit disconcerning.  Although, I would rather that they have a few shots of fans rather than old broads wearing aprons slaving over buffalo wings.  

Ready, Get Set, and Go!!

Motivational Sports Quote to Totally Get You in the Mood:
 "I don't know what's scarier, neurotic cheerleaders or the pressure to win. I could make a killing selling something like Diet Prozac." - Missy [Eliza Dushku] Bring It On

sunfun tip #1 - wtf is fantasy football?

Matty Wolf, praising the Redskins since 1937

Remember when you were a kid and you dreamed of becoming an astronaut, or a doctor, or, okay if we’re being honest Debbie Gibson’s back-up dancer/BFF? Well apparently while we were busy practicing our moves, little boys were wishing and hoping that they could someday run their own sports franchise. As its name suggests, Fantasy Football (FF) is an activity that allows the 12-year old inside of all the men we know to realize their lifelong fantasy of “owning” a football team.

Rather than spend too much time on the fascinating and illustrious history of FF, let’s just get down to business and focus on what the hell it is. Let me break it down for you, ladies:

•First, congratulations - we are all now “owners” of fake football teams. At the draft a couple weeks back, we picked real players for our fake teams from the various real football teams that are out there.

•Each week, your team will go head-to-head with another SunFun member’s team, (e.g. HGONGA vs. Denim Chickens), and players earn points for their teams by doing stuff. For example, if you have quarterback John David Booty on your team and he throws a touchdown pass, your team gets some points for that. At the end of the week, each matchup has a winner and a loser based on number of points scored.

•On game day, you can use the league’s website to engage in smack talk with your opponent (to be addressed in more detail at a later date). This is a very important part of the process and should not be ignored.

•Throughout the season, you have the ability to trade players, but to tell the truth I’m not sure how that works so proceed at your own risk.

•At the end of the season, the 4 teams with the best win/loss records will advance to the playoffs - cumulative points don’t matter, only # of wins/losses.

Now that we've covered the basics, let's talk about what you need to do RIGHT NOW in order to not be a league loser.  The regular season begins tomorrow night at 5:30pm PT*, and you my friends need to set up your lineups in advance of that.  Beginners in the group will want to watch for my next post (tomorrow morning), which will cover instructions for doing so.

XOXO
Co-Commish Anna

* Most NFL football games are played on Sundays, but I’ve learned that they also like to schedule a lot of mid-week games, if for no other reason than to disrupt my regular TV schedule. I used to think this was evil of them, but now that I’m into football I’m okay with it. In case you’re interested, the season opener is the New Orleans Saints vs. the Green Bay Packers.

Sun Fun is Back in the Saddle!

Week One: Saddle Seatbelts, Straps, and Studs 

Point of clarification: H.G.O.N.G.A. is my team name.  Stands for Hot Guy On Guy Action.  Hell, yes, that is a euphemism, a synonym and a big rock hard innuendo.  However, I am hardly alone in my football player worship -- I may even be on the less egregious side...see the latest Yahoo list of All Man Crushes. 

Aw yeah Sun Fun in the house!  If you are like me, you are furiously researching the dirty dozen residing on your team, mine is known as the  "stud ranch".  Sure, a few of my draft choices may bite me in the ass, but for right now I can revel in the fact that I AM UNDEFEATED.  Actually, we all are.  It's a glorious feeling, right?

We are just a few short days from the start of the OFFICIAL Fantasy Football Season!  Did you read that?  Let me put it another way...If you are are still thumbing through pictures of Kim "Wait I Don't Actually Deserve Any Of This" Kardashian wedding, at KT Nail's in acetone/nail polish haze stupor, or watching the VMA's for the 3rd time trying to see if this time it will be funny [it won't]...LOG ON TO SUN FUN LEAGUE!  Games start on Thursday!  Check who you are playing, check to see if you need to move your players around, on the bench, off the bench, etc.  Check out the very first blog/site of the week to check out in case you are in need of any third party opinion, I like the set up, nice and easy, and made for uber nerds like me.

I just got goose-bumps.  I am so ready, are you?

BLOG/SITE of the Week: Fantasy Football Nerd 

Next week: Sh*t talk vs Smack talk: It's like Michael Lohan vs Malcom Gladwell*

*tune in next week to see how far I can stretch that analogy out, if at all.

video - "passing of the torch"

The SunFun fantasy football league is a bit unique in that it has two co-commissioners. Watch the video to find out why!